The cares of life bend every corner taking me in wrong directions, can Iwalk dipite the pain and strife.

But what is life with out all the yearnings of the heart.

And who am I to doubt all you have in store for me.

So I will take up my cross and I will follow, I will follow…

and day by day and choice by choice I will follow, I follow…

And I will listen by the nailed way your cross is a better place and I will follow, I will follow…

So come and take me by the nailed gates, your cross is the safest place, I will follow, I will follow.

Your cross, it is the sweetest place.

Either way, tomorrow still comes. Rain or shine. Joy or sorrow. Life goes on.

What frustrates me the most is that life doesnt wait for you to pull yourself together and hop on the boat with everyone else… No, it just keeps on moving, with or without you.

Life doesnt sound an alarm when your about to make a big mistake. It doesnt remind you to pay your bills on time or help you to love your spouse. Life shows no sympathy when you’d rather stay in bed and not go to work. It doesnt care if you lose your job or lose your mind for that matter.

Life shows no mercy even when your sorry. It doesnt forgive your mistakes or forget them. It doesnt care how your day went or if your car breaks down. Life has no compassion on you if you go hungry. Life doesnt lend a hand when you fall and cant get up.  Life can not promise you a tomorrow no matter how good you are today.

Life is not always fair.  It sometimes sucks. It does not care how hard you try or if you give up. It can never give you peace of mind.

Life can not promise you anything. It cannot save you. It can not heal you. It does not love you.

Life is just that, life.

 I cant imagine living this life with out God in the center of it all. There would be no reason to live if I didnt have Jesus. Even if all I have is a thread of hope I’m holding onto. Life is more than all the pain and sorrow with out Him. My Jesus promises me hope for tomorrow.

Now that I know who I am in Christ, are others going to like me for me?          

    It’s been hard trying to figure out why I feel this way. I mean, who really cares what others think about me.. All that matters is what God thinks, right?

 I’d like to place the blame on someone as the reason I am this way, but even I know you can put blame on anyone you want but that still doesn’t change who you are… I am having to learn to take those things that I question to God. I have no other choice but to lay them at His feet where they belong. I have been agreeing with the lies of the enemy for so long that it feels like I am laying down a part of who I am; who I have always been.  

The thing about trying to please people is that it’s impossible to do. It has an empty gratification to it. I have learned recently that I can make as many people happy as I want. I can even help as many people as humanly possible but if it’s not for the glory of pleasing God, than it means nothing. It in itself is empty. No matter how many people thank you or praise you. Ultimatly what it comes down to is, would God take praise in you?

I am only scratching the serface here, I will continue this tomorrow. Please feel free to leave any questions or comments you might have.

Lord,

Can I trust what I dont see

Your very word that lives in me.

Can I have what I desire,

The one true love that you inspire.

Im running into you now,

and somehow letting go.

Admitting I was wrong,

for all the things I didn’t know.

The same circle I will not walk,

Like so many times before.

This path is leading me off,

down a road to something more.

It’s hard to cover up

mistakes I hold inside.

But easier to surrender,

my flesh no longer hides.

Im finding your grace is sufficient

it wont let me fall apart.

Everytime I make a mess

you heal my broken heart.

This is only half the battle,

between the flesh and spirit.

searching for your face,

hoping one day that I’ll see it,

the truth behind the reason

why you chose for me to be

Consecrated for you,

and Seperated for me.

Ok so it has taken me a little over a week to adjust back into the Floridian lifestyle… Honestly, it’s like going from one extreme to the next… Fort Collins, CO moved me. My heart is forever drawn there. One day I imagine I shall return for a visit…

The Lord was so gracious to illuminate many things in my heart while on this trip. It wasn’t like revelation where your coming to terms with something for the first time but God was reminding me of all the things He had already spoken over my life that I had somehow overlooked…

Here are some things I will NOT forget. (thank you Jimmy)

• Friday nights conversation with Leslie Ludy (remaining pure for Christ not just a future husband)
• Annie’s prayer over Alicia and I about hiding ourselves in the Lord
• The rocky mountain trip with Jimmy and the snow and the car ride
• Alicia’s dream  (that made us bawl) about standing on a table telling the lost about Jesus
• You can never get lost – mountains are always to the west
• How beautiful Colorado State University is
• All the people riding bikes
• Eric and Leslie Ludys passion for The Orphans (over 4 million in the world today)
• Missing our flight home and having to wait 4 hours in the Denver airport for the next flight to Atlanta
• The hour we spent in the airports chapel praying

 I thought this weekend get-away would be healing for my fragile heart, and in many ways it was. But, as a whole, I believe God’s purpose for this trip was to illuminate things that were in my life (good and bad) This was revealation for me.

I feel as if God has been pealing the scales from my eyes to see my hearts true condition but at the same time to see the true glory of Jesus. My heart and spirit have just been so exhausted. All I have been wanting to do is cry. I found myself crying while driving to the hotel from the airport. I was hlding back the lump in my throat while listening to Leslie Ludy share her vision with me. I was swelling up when we were driving back from the rocky mountains thinking about how beautiful Gods glory is. I was crying while reading my bible and sharing my hearts calling with Alicia..

I thought this weekend was going to be an energy booster, but all I find myself doing is crying! And I’m not going to lie. It feels good. I feel like by doing so, my vulnerability is allowing God to pick up my heart and just love on it however he choses to……

Oh, how he has longed for us to slow down just enough for Him to catch us…

There is so much more to add to this, but right now I need to grab a tissue.

I don’t wanna burden myself, with all these things left unsaid.

Lord, I don’t wanna be the same girl that you knew yesterday.

In carrying a heavy heart, not knowing what to say.

Lord, I don’t wanna be afraid of what you have for me.

I dont wanna forget that you died and set me free.

Lord, I don’t wanna hold these tears back anymore.

I don’t wanna run from what you have in store.

Lord, I wanna run into you

I wanna fall into your hands.

Lord I wanna let go of all my dreams

I wanna find them in your plans.

Lord I wanna see you,

I wanna know you face to face.

Lord, I wanna touch you,

I wanna surrender to your grace.

Lord, I will.

I am an orphan.

I am a child without a father.

I am the beggar at your feet.

In you …the Orphan finds mercy in you.

In you… the Orphan finds mercy in you.

I am the Orphan.

I am the child.

I wanna be alone with you… Lord I wanna be with you.

Take my joy.

Take my home.

Take everything and make me an orphan so that I can go and run to you.

Make me new.

Steal my joy.

Take my hope so I can run after you.

-Alicia Medina

and I will rejoice.

I will rejoice.

I will sing a song of praise to your name

and I will bring you praise.

I will praise your name.

I will sing a song of hope to your name.

and I will hope in you.

My hope is in you.

I will sing a song of Love to you.

and you are my love song.

Lord how I love you.